Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
