We won't sleep together?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
