the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your cock deserves a montage
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
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