We won't sleep together?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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