Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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