He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
