see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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