The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
