Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
