I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
