Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
