I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
