This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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