Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
a search helicopter?!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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