I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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