I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
