Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
