you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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