I want to stick my p in your. b.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
