Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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