I didn't shave. On purpose
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
