When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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