i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
