The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
