Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
