i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
