The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
