i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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