you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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