I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
