I think i sorta joined a cult last night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
