I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
