Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
