I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
