im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
