did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
