If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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