im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
