I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Hippo gnu deer
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
