I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
