We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
