Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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