I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
