HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
