I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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