wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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