I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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