How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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