Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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