I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We need to get me chipped asap
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
