Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
