Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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