my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
