twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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